Hey kids, I’m Bandwagon, the Chicago Bears monkey. I was given life by fastidious Bears fans on a warm October night in Arizona two years ago. Since then, I’ve dwelled, with much of the Bears fan base, on the back of a nonchalant bloke named Rex Grossman.

I’m not your usual f–king monkey, either. I don’t eat insects, bananas, nuts or any of that sh-t. I feed off bad play calling, poorly timed throws, fumbled snaps from center and generally, any signs of futility demonstrated by the Bears offense.

In 2006, I was a small little f–ker. But after Indianapolis quarterback Peyton Manning finally escaped my brother’s clutches on February 4, 2007, I got motherf–king huge. In fact, I seemed to grow bigger after every game in 2007. Put simply, I was eating like Rosie O’Donnell high. (more…)

The Chicago Bears brass obviously reads “Blog Down, Chicago Bears.” And they don’t like their reputation put on blast. Earlier today, we mentioned that the Bears were a little non-aggressive in signing draft picks this year, as opposed to other years in which they had been particularly fast.

Well, merely hours after that post, the Bears went nucking futs, signing all 2008 seventh-round picks to four-year deals.

Michigan State defensive end Ervin Baldwin, Georgia guard Chester “Big Cheese” Adams, Oregon State linebacker Joey LaRocque, Ohio State tackle Kirk Barton and Arkansas wide receiver Marcus Monk were all recepients of contracts.

That makes six done deals on the day for general manager Jerry Angelo and staff. It currently ties them with Miami and Monty Hall for most in the NFL.

The Bears, who have historically signed their draft picks rather promptly and all by training camp, had been a little leisurely to do so this year. Until now.

Today, the Bears agreed to terms with Michigan State tight end Kellen Davis on a four-year deal making him their first draft pick signed. Terms of the deal were not disclosed.

The real story here is that Davis is a client of everybody’s favorite uber agent, Drew Rosenhaus. So, you’re telling me Rosenhaus was essentially proactive in a negotiation? Holy, T.O.! Maybe for his next act, he’ll bring the Bears and Tommie Harris to a long-term agreement.

Cornerback Ricky Manning, Jr., who once dressed like Mortal Combat character Sub-Zero, is close to having his career in Chicago put on ice. Per Brad Biggs of the Chicago Sun-Times, Manning has been a regular on the third team during the organized team activity and only worked out with the second team on Wednesday because starting cornerback Charles Tillman was missing in action.

On May 11, we first reported that Manning was on his way out. Ironically, it appears the shift of another Manning, Danieal, from safety to corner, has sealed his fate.

Ricky Manning’s lackluster play, combined with the emergenge of second-year pro, Trumaine McBride, has made Manning entirely expendable. Toss in the fact he’s due to make $4.75 million next year and you have all the signs that a trade is coming. One possible suitor could be the Cleveland Browns. The Browns recently placed cornerback Daven Holly on injured reserve after he suffered what is described as a “serious knee injury.”

We decided to give our pens (well, two index fingers) a break and let little five-year old Timmy take over for a column we’re calling “Timmy wites his favewit pwayer.”

Deal Misto Bwadley,

Why did you undergwo knee surdree? I was under the impwession dat you would compete fo a starteeng job dis yeeuh. Pwease Misto Bwadley, I don’t wike it when my daddy dwinks.

YouR Fwend. Timmy.

That’s ok, Timmy. The Bears say Mark Bradley is questionable to return by training camp on July 23. Bradley says he will be ready. We say, offensive futility is enough to make any one drink. Even your bastard father.

Today’s decision by NFL owners to opt out of the collective bargaining agreement with the NFL Players Association could have titanic implications. We’re not talking about a boat that hits an iceberg, we’re talking about a kick returner that hits a hole and is gone.

Per David Haugh of ChicagoSports.com, if the 2010 season were to take place without a salary cap, the years of service required before a player could be elgible for free agency would jump from four to six. In this scenario, wide receiver/returner Devin Hester, who wants to renegotiate his current contract and is slated to become a free agent in 2009, couldn’t hit the market until 2011. That would give the Bears two additional years to work out a new long-term deal. (more…)

 
Per KFFL.com, Dan Pompei of the Chicago Tribune says that Bears general manager Jerry Angelo isn’t worried about left tackle Chris Williams’ short arms. Wait. What?

According to Pompei, prior to the draft, some teams started to develop concerns that Williams’ arms were not as long as ideal. The average starting offensive tackle last year had an arm length of 33 15/16 inches. Williams has been measured anywhere from 32 7/8 inches at the Senior Bowl to 33 1/2 inches at the combine. The Bears say he’s an even 33.

What’s with all the fuss over mere fractions of inches? It appears a little overanalytical to us. Unless you consider that Denver Broncos first-round pick Ryan Clady, chosen two spots ahead of Williams, has an arm length of 36 3/4 inches. God damn, man! (more…)

Judging by Steve Silverman’s online photo, you’d peg him to be a normal and rational everyday guy. He looks like he belongs to a country club, enjoys Steve Guttenberg films and like every other married man, secretly watches really dirty porn when his wife sleeps. But the NBCSports.com contributor is hiding an even dirtier secret: he’s out of his mind.

On Wednesday, Silverman suggested that the Bears trade Brian Urlacher in lieu of renegotiating his contract. Better yet, the “Three Men and a Baby” aficionado named the Denver Broncos as the team that could pull the trigger on a monster deal like that.

As Silverman suggests, RB Travis Henry, WR Brandon Stokely, LB Ian Gold and two draft picks – one a first-rounder if the Broncos were to make the playoffs – would be enough for the Bears to part ways with the colossal fan favorite; the latest successor in a line of great Bears middle linebackers. (more…)

If you listen to NFL tradition, teams usually won’t carry more than six wide receivers on their active roster. For most teams this doesn’t pose a problem because they have their surefire stud (1), reliable playmaker (2), experienced journeymen (3-4) and regular back-ups (5-6). It seems relatively clear cut.

Not the Bears. Their corps of receivers range from back-ups to journeymen and if, through the duration of camp and preseason, we discover a reliable playmaker, Bears fandom will be beside themselves.

The trouble in having eight “iffy” dudes catching Rex’s deep bombs are that they’re so close in talent and potential, you don’t know which six to keep. (more…)

For the fourth year in a row, Lovie Smith has refused to answer my e-mail asking if ”Rex was his quarterback.” But per chicagobears.com, he did happen to answer a few other e-mails and some good stuff came about: 

Rex Grossman and Kyle Orton have an equal shot of being named starting quarterback (soooo, Rex isn’t your quarterback?).

The QB battle will go well into the preseason.

Terrance Metcalf and Josh Beekman will contend at left guard.

Accordingly, John St. Clair will remain at tackle. (more…)