Quarterback Hell: A Chicago Bears Quarterback Retrospective (Part 1 of 3)
Since Jim McMahon, men who have played quarterback while simultaneously donning a Chicago Bears uniform have (mostly) sucked. You can outright fault the organization or pacifyingly fault the organization, but no matter what, nothing can save these 27 poor souls from an unenvious shared history; having been through, what many believe to be, “quarterback hell”.
Think about it for a second: 27 quarterbacks have started at least one game for the Bears in the last 27 years. Most college football programs boast a more stable quarterbacking environment and, much like in Chicago, the opportunity to start in college usually won’t exceed three years. So, why are things the way that they are?
Is it the run-first offense, horrific scouting, failure to address other needs, predictable coaching, awful luck, extreme pressure put forth by media and fans stemming from paranoia of maybe never having a “franchise” quarterback, or something else entirely? We may never know, but we shan’t forget the fallen:
Steve Fuller (1984-1986)
Chiefs’ former first-round pick and only quarterback in “Super Bowl Shuffle” that didn’t have to be digitally added. While he “ran like lightning and threw like thunder,” Fuller neglected to divulge that he had control over neither, throwing five interceptions and one touchdown in his five starts during the team’s Super Bowl season.
Rusty Lisch (1984)
Lisch, who unfortunately has no photographic record of ever having existed, started one game for the Bears in 1984. And even though he threw six picks, he at least … fuck, threw zero touchdowns? What a suck-ass, shitty quarterback! No wonder Notre Dame opted to go with Joe Mantegna or whatever his name was.
Greg Landry (1984)
Decided to bring his exceptionally average career to an end with one final, just premature bang in Chicago. You see, he came back to the NFL, three-years retired, to play in 1984, just missing Super Bowl glory and an opportunity to be in the “Super Bowl Shuffle”. Although, it is likely he wouldn’t have been asked back after his one start, three interceptions and a single touchdown.
Mike Tomczak (1986-1990)
At 30 wins-10 losses, had a pretty remarkable career as a starter record-wise, yet his dismal TD-INT ratio (33-47) would seem to be his most recognizable Bears quarterback quality. Probably most well-known for being the starting quarterback in the infamous Fog Bowl versus Philadelphia and intermittently replacing Kordell Stewart while with Pittsburgh in 1999. Oh, Kordell will have his time in the sun. Oh, yes …
Doug Flutie (1986)
Based on the improbable success he had late in his career, the Bears may have been wise to not trade him away after his rookie season, but he was so small — and cute! Plus, he was one of just a few Bears signal callers to have more touchdowns than interceptions. I never did eat me one of those Flutie Flakes, but I’m sure they tasted like overcoming-all-odds triumph!
Jim Harbaugh (1988-1993)
A first-rounder, Harbaugh found his greatest success while not a member of the Bears. In fact, he found significantly greater success while with Indianapolis, coming one crazy Hail Mary completion of a Super Bowl visit. Still, seven years on the Bears — five of which, he was a regular starter — is like, Chris Weinke/Florida State long. And for those who believe the Bears have a fundamentally wrong approach to the quarterback position: Harbaugh’s TD-INT ratio with Chicago versus Indianapolis is 50-56 to 49-26. So … you’re probably right.
Peter Tom Willis (1992-1993)
Another bastard who failed to throw more touchdowns than interceptions in a non-stellar four-year career (6-15). My earliest only memory of Willis, er …Peter Tom is having his Dominoes Pizza trading card, all the while certainly asking my eight-year old self, “Who the fuck is Peter Tom Willis?”
Will Furrer (1992)
Easily, Nazi Germany’s favorite sub-par Bears quarterback, Will Furrer played two seasons for two different teams, three years apart. That’s right, in 1992 he sucked in one start for Chicago and then, in 1995, he — you guessed it! — sucked in one start for the Houston then-Oilers. It goes to show, anyone can have an Ultra Draft Pick card made after them.
Erik Kramer (1994-1998)
Finally, we discuss a quarterback that wasn’t complete shit. Kramer is clearly the best Bears quarterback in the last 20 years. He holds the Bears career record for highest passer rating and single-season records for attempts, completions, touchdowns and passing yards. But above all that, his nickname is “Brass Balls” and that’s enough for me.
So … wow. That’s something like a 159-185 TD-INT ratio between all these mostly horrible, horrible quarterbacks. Take Harbaugh and Kramer out of the equation and it’s much worse than that. Whether your stomach can take it or not, we’re merely one-third of the way through this shitastic hodgepodge of quarterback misery. Parts two and three are on their way. Big ups to Wikipedia, Bears History and my general, ill-affected memory for all stats/facts.
Good stuff, really interesting
[...] Only nine quarterbacks left, and yes — one of them is Kordell Stewart. It’s amazing to me that nine starting quarterbacks can be covered when only seven years separates us from Chris Chandler. What a world we Bears fans live in … Oh, and in case you didn’t get enough, you can read Part 1 of 3 here. [...]