Since Jim McMahon, men who have played quarterback while simultaneously donning a Chicago Bears uniform have (mostly) sucked. You can outright fault the organization or pacifyingly fault the organization, but no matter what, nothing can save these 27 poor souls from an unenvious shared history; having been through, what many believe to be, “quarterback hell”.

Think about it for a second: 27 quarterbacks have started at least one game for the Bears in the last 27 years. Most college football programs boast a more stable quarterbacking environment and, much like in Chicago, the opportunity to start in college usually won’t exceed three years. So, why are things the way that they are?

Is it the run-first offense, horrific scouting, failure to address other needs, predictable coaching, awful luck, extreme pressure put forth by media and fans stemming from the paranoia of maybe never having a “franchise” quarterback, or something else entirely? We may never know, but we shan’t forget the fallen:

Henry Burris (2002)
There was at least one time on record when “Smilin’ Hank”, or so he was known, was not all grins and puppy dogs. It happened after his lone season with the Bears in 2002 (35% pass completions in six games), when Burris was allocated to NFL Europe. In his defense, NFL Europe is like, the equivalent to Major League Soccer! Shortly after, he returned to his old stomping grounds, NFL Canada the CFL, and amazingly, won his first Grey Cup and Grey Cup MVP just last year.

Kordell Stewart (2003)
He could run, catch and pass, which was less common back then. Unfortunately, he did none of these things all that well once he left Colorado. “Slash” joined an expectedly horrible Bears team in 2003 and was equally as bad/pathetic/unproductive in seven starts … Too bad. When you lose your first game 49-7, it usually can only go up from there.

Jonathan Quinn (2004)
What’s with these former non-American league studs not being able to cope in the NFL? Doesn’t make any sense. Actually, it makes perfect sense. Quinn was brought here by then-offensive coordinator Terry Shea and that, along with one touchdown, three picks and just over 400 yards passing in three games started, is all you need to know.

Craig Krenzel (2004)
A two-time Fiesta Bowl MVP while at Ohio State, Krenzel also majored in molecular genetics, which should have totally spelled out impending fucking failure then. In five career starts, he threw less than 50%, for less than 150 yards-per-game, and three touchdowns and six interceptions. He did, however, win three games in a row, surely alleviating the sting from never starting another NFL game again.

Chad Hutchinson (2004)
He played well enough in five games in 2004 (73.6 QB rating, 4 TD-3 INT). It was the following year’s preseason that did him in. When you go from the named starter to being cut during the course of four games, you fucked up. And to think, Hutchinson could have been the guy managing that year’s playoff run.

Rex Grossman (2003-2008)
Holy shit! Rex fucking Grossman! What to say … What to say … Sexy Rexy, as I preferred to call him, was regularly seen as “the chosen one” early in his career, but mostly because he had a couple of brief stints where he showed flashes of brilliance. Hell, who doesn’t recall that Sunday night game versus Atlanta in 2005, when he came in after halftime to replace a dreary Kyle Orton and immediately threw the longest pass of the game to Muhsin Muhammad. We probably should have paid equal attention to the goal-line interception just minutes later.

Kyle Orton (2005-2008)
Maybe, the coolest quarterback since Jim McMahon, himself. Everybody knows alcohol consumption is the new smoking! Orton was plagued by his rookie-year performance and a stigma that he was very, very average, until 2008, when he became the full-time starter once again. 18 touchdowns, 12 interceptions, and close to 60% passing says maybe we should have held on to him after all. If anything, just for the habitual Jack-in-hand-drool-on-shirt photo.

Brian Griese (2006-2007)
Ahh, I’m also gonna need you to go ahead and come in on Sunday, too … Despite being a dead ringer for Bill Lumbergh and burgeoning from famous lineage, Griese couldn’t quite make it happen in two years with the Bears. He was always decent, but never spectacular, evident in his later, second stint with, and subsequent release from, Tampa Bay, who I thought had 11 other garbage quarterbacks they could have gotten rid of.

Jay Cutler (2009-?)
Nobody could have predicted how badly Jay Cutler would have bombed in his inaugural season. Well, maybe anyone who was really familiar with the Bears roster could have. But his stats, with two games left to go, sort of mirror those of his second NFL season … Except the interceptions. Yep. He’s definitely thrown way, way more interceptions. Currently has the lowest touchdown, and highest interception, percentages of his four-year career.

So … there you have it: Without question, the sorriest list I’ve ever had the displeasure to compile. With that said, make sure to check out parts 1 and 2! What’s the over/under on being able to complete a fourth part of the series four years from now? And hey, if you print out the quarterbacks square, I’m sure there is a bingo game there somewhere. Yes … bad quarterback bingo. That could be fun …