Schadenfreude (AFC Edition): The New York @#(&$# Jets

by Matt Phillip on Tuesday 9 March 2010 at 3:15 pm

Schadenfreude, formerly Why Your Team Sucks, is a bi-weekly (hopefully) posting about the unfortunate moments and embarrassments of all NFL teams NOT named the Chicago Bears. As we already trudged through the waste of the NFC we are doing the AFC. Your comments, venom and hate-mail are encouraged and appreciated.

Man, I loathe this team nearly as much as the Vikings and Packers….

The Bad: Well, first off, their team name is bullshit. New York??? Ha! Don’t think so. You fuckers play in New Jersey, America’s skidmark. You want to know what’s wrong with America?? Go to New Jersey. It’s a cesspool of filth and these bastards play in it. They recently got a new stadium, which they have to continue to share with their older, better looking brother, the New York Giants, because they couldn’t get their own. They play, like, sixth fiddle in their ‘own’ town and the most famous thing about them is the insufferable ‘J! E! T! S! JETS! JETS! JETS!’ chant. Yes, it’s worse than the Packers ‘Go Pack, Go!’ deal.

This organization has a habit of experimenting with supposedly ‘good’ coaches and watching it tank (see: Pete Carroll, Lou Holtz, Bill Parcells, and Eric Mangini). One also need to look no further than this past season and post-season (which they nearly RUINED for me). Has there ever been a team of such ordinary talent that overachieved so greatly?!?!? For starters, they shouldn’t have been in the playoffs, but you can thank the
Colts pussified ownership and the Bengals for leaving their balls in Cincy for that. FUCK, that made me mad.

Then, they go on and have the audacity to actually WIN two playoff games. AAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And the media was absolutely in LOVE with this team and Rex Ryan. Outside of Revis, there was absolutely NOTHING great about this team. ZERO. A QB that is praised for his ‘poise’ and good decision making???? NO! He was bailed out constantly by an above-average defense, which they had to rely on because the offense sucked balls. Mark Sanchez and all his supposed poise can die in a fire set by Vince Wilfork. He sucks donkey ass and everyone knows it.

The Worse: In 1995 their record was 3-13, which was worse than the Jaguars and the Panthers. This is significant because those two teams were in their first year of existence. If you have a worse record than an expansion team in the first few years of existence, just pack it up and go home. You belong on a high school football field in North Dakota. Then there was the whole Blair Thomas debacle; solid pick there boys. Any organization knows that you don’t take anyone from Penn State remotely close to the top of the draft (I know, I know, Curtis Enis….but also Courtney Brown, Ki-Jana Carter, Kerry Collins etc.). Thomas flamed out rather spectacularly after one decent season and is now teaching Eskimos in Alaska to play football. How nice.

There is also a complex of inferiority that this team possesses. Why? You won Super Bowl III and greatly overachieved this past year, what else have you done? Just because you won ONE Super Bowl, doesn’t give you the right to complain about how sucky or ‘average’ your team is in a given year. It’s almost on the level of a Steelers or Cowboys fan, except those fans are somewhat justified in their thinking. Jets fans, not so much. You give your fans a 2-14 or 3-13 season every few years and then fall ass-backwards into the playoffs every fifth year with a robust 9-7 record. Kudos….there’s the door.

The Rotten Egg Fart Smelling Bottom of the Barrel: Fireman Ed. FUCK. THAT. GUY. Oh, but look at his team spirit! And he’s a fireman! A New York fireman. Oh, get the fuck over it. The guy is a loud, drunk, obnoxious fan who has nothing better in his life to do than to wait for Sunday’s to put on his beloved helmet, mount another grown man and lose his voice. Go away. Their fans are the epitome of class ( see here). So much class, actually, that this organization banned the sale of alcohol during the final regular season game this year and they won’t ever serve booze on Monday night games. See now, this is what you get for catering to Jersey B & T trash.

Their hero is now infamous, NOT for winning Super Bowl III, but, of course, for this. Speaking of that, this franchise sucks so bad that whenever a ‘highlight’ about the Jets comes up, it’s always Broadway Joe wagging that finger. Makes you wonder why there isn’t another??? That was 1969 people, which was over 40 years ago, move on. Also, is there any ‘story’ more tired that this one? Oh, Broadway Joe predicts the upset of the century!! Bullshit. The Jets won a boring, non-entertaining Super Bowl that 3% of the rest of America remembers. We Bears fans can flaunt the ’85 Super Bowl for at least another 10 years thanks to you people.

But seriously, Jets fans………get fucked.