Schadenfreude (AFC Edition): Miami Dolphins
Schadenfreude, formerly Why Your Team Sucks, is a bi-weekly (hopefully) posting about the unfortunate moments and embarrassments of all NFL teams NOT named the Chicago Bears. As we already trudged through the waste of the NFC we are doing the AFC. Your comments, venom and hate-mail are encouraged and appreciated.
The Bad: Can you think of a worse place to play than Miami? No, I don’t mean because of the awesome weather or all the stupidly hot Cuban women; I’m talking about the incredibly apathetic fan base. People in Miami just really don’t care that much about sports. The phrase ‘Die-hard fan’ isn’t in the South Florida vocabulary. That has to be incredibly frustrating as a player. The teams just don’t draw well in Miami; there are better other things to do than watch a team whose mascot is about as intimidating as a four-year old holding a butter knife. The second this team’s record dips below .500 Joe Robbie, Pro Player, Landshark, Viagra City, SunLife stadium looks a lot like a New Jersey Nets home game.
The Worse: Not winning a Super Bowl with Dan Marino. That’s a crime. I feel bad for him….sort of. But, seriously, if you can’t win a title with a top ten all-time quarterback, then you fail as a franchise. If the 2000 Ravens won it with Trent Dilfer as their QB and you couldn’t with ‘Dan the Man’….sit down, lets talk. There was the vomit inducing 1-15 season in 2007 with the only win coming in overtime against the Ravens. Also, this is a team that is very averse to something called the forward pass. Unfortunately for the Dolphins, for the next few years, a 10 point deficit, even in the first quarter, will seem like a three touchdown deficit with their current offensive makeup and mindset. I realize you have a young quarterback and two pretty above average running backs, but this is 2010, not 1940. Let’s learn to pass the ball, gang!!
The Rotten Egg, Fart-Smelling Bottom of the Barrel: FUCK. YOU. MERCURY. MORRIS. Seriously, I hate that fucking asshole. What does every single media outlet do when some team goes 9-0??? They call Mr. Morris. Why?!?!? AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can’t you call up Bob Greise? Or that kicker that threw that pass that was picked off? ‘What do you think about the 2010 Colts, Mercury?!?’ ‘Well Craig, they are clearly not as good as we were in 1972′. No. Die in a hail of Molotov cocktails. You have no fucking clue how ‘good’ or ‘bad’ a team is anymore. You played in 1972, on a team that was extremely average and very lucky. What do people remember from that team? Not the offense Mercury. It’s the fucking defense you asshat. Shut your big fucking mouth.
The 2009 Colts would have kicked your ass eight ways from Sunday. The 2009 Saints? Drew Breesus and Co. would have bent you over, rawdogged your naked ass and then never would have called. Seriously, Mercury Morris, stop talking forever. You annoy the shit out of everyone. Your team and season were last relevant 15 years ago. Stop talking about it. Die of a cocaine overdose.
