Every Tuesday and Thursday for the next eight weeks, we’ll make fun ofprofile one NFC team and indifferent to NFL lines, explain why they won’t win the NFC.

We’ll also be linking each team profile to this original post, found on the nifty sidebar over there —>.

So, consider this your free NFL picks for the day: Bet against every team not the Bears in games where the Bears are the other team. Ultimately, they’re going to lose anyway… in another world.

Everyone’s always looking for the next; the next Jordan, the next Tiger, the next Erin Andrews, etc. The “next Bernard Berrian” isn’t normally a part of this proverbial conversation, but at least one person, the Chicago Tribune’s Vaughn McClure, thinks it could be rookie Johnny Knox.

And Vaughn McClure, I think I concur! I mean, why not? At 6′0-185 pounds, Knox’s size is comparable to Berrian’s (6′1-185); Both went to relatively unheralded schools, Abilene Christian and Fresno State, and both ended their respective prolific collegiate careers after their senior seasons.

Knox is a burner, posting the fastest 40 time at this year’s combine (4.26 seconds), and any rookie success he will have will stem from his ability to fly down field and separate from defenders. Berrian did it the same way in 2004, before he learned to catch in traffic or go across the middle, averaging 15 yards-per-catch off throws from what emerged as an epically hellish quarterbacking trio; Rex Grossman, Craig Krenzel, and Jonathan Quinn.

Consider that Knox has the benefit of working with a much better team all-around and a much, much better quarterback, and it shouldn’t surprise anyone if he has the better rookie season.

What’s more unfathomable: The Bears bring in Mr. Rogers, or an “actual” news source uses bleacherreport.com as footing for an article?

That said, after wasting a ton of time at work, much extensive research, I’ve picked the top five schools whose draft history will bode well for the Bears needs in the next few years. The positions that I looked at were (not surprisingly) wide receiver, defensive back (emphasis on Safety), and offensive line. I took into account the number of quality players produced at all said positions when ranking the schools. (Note: I’m not looking for star players, although it helps. I’m really looking for good serviceable NFL players that had solid, long careers).

For example: the Bears have no safeties to speak of. NONE. A school like Oregon has produced a number of solid NFL safeties over the years, but not a lot of wide receivers or offensive lineman. Based on a 1-5 scale with 5 being the highest: OL=1, WR=2, S=5. Thus, maybe the organization should look at Oregon in the next draft for safety help. Get it? If not, try to catch up.

(/has no recollection of an Oregon safety currently playing in the NFL)

Feel free to shred these picks in the comments.

5. California: Kind of a surprise pick here, and I didn’t expect much to come from the Golden Bears, and I was pretty surprised with what I found. Cal has produced solid offensive lineman such as our own Troy Auzenne, Todd Steussie (Vikings), Tarik Glenn (Colts), Jeremy Newberry (49ers), Mark Wilson (Redskins), and Mike Gibson (Eagles). Not too shabby on the DB catergory either with Deltha O’Neal (Broncos), Marquis Smith (Browns) and the best DB in the game Nnamdi Asomugha (Raiders). Throw in DeSean Jackson and you’ve got yourself a decent school to look at for solid NFL players with the occasional super-stud thrown in. Again, that’s why Cal comes in at number five.

Another reason why Cal is at #5 is that as a whole their draft history isn’t terribly heavy on the three positions factoring in this post.

Past draft picks: Tony Gonzalez, Hardy Nickerson, Chidi Ahantou, and Regan Upshaw, I can’t really include them for the Bears purposes. I can include Harvey Salem (1983, Oilers), Steve Rivera (1976, 49ers), and Wesley Walker (1977, Jets).

2009:As for this edition of the Golden Bears, obviously everyone is talking about Jahvid Best, who is most definitely going to be a ‘hybrid’ player in the NFL, sort of like Devin Hester, so fuck him. The area to look at is the secondary where they are stacked with good, experienced upperclassman, corner Syd’Quan Thompson and strong safety Marcus Ezeff are the studs of the secondary and two individuals who the Bears should have their eyes on.

OL=4, DB=1.5, WR=1. Total Score=6.5

4. Iowa: Yes I went to school here, and no there isn’t a bias. The fact is that Iowa produces a great number of quality big white farm boys that will protect Cutler or whoever is back there. Let’s take a look: Robert Gallery (Raiders), Eric Steinbach (Bengals), Bruce Nelson (Panthers), Marshal Yanda (Ravens), Ross Verba (Packers), Ben Sobeski (Bills), Mike Goff (Bengals), and Mike Elgin (Pats). This is just the O-Line. Iowa also has produced one of the best safeties in the game in Bob Sanders, along with Sean Considine (Eagles) and Charles Godfrey (Panthers). (Side note: Bob Sanders is a BEAST, damn you Indianapolis)

Past Draft Picks: John Alt (1984, Chiefs), Mike Haight (1986, Jets), pencil-necked Merton Hanks (1991, 49ers), Quinn Early (1988, Chargers), Tom Knight (1997, Cardinals) and Joel Hilgenberg (1984, Saints).

2009: In looking at future needs, you’ve got to focus on the offensive line which helped Shonn Greene win the Doak Walker award and is expected to be better than last year in 2009. Tackle Bryan Bulaga is the #5 rated player in the Big 10 and would be an outstanding replacement for Orlando Pace who’s like 57. In the secondary keep your eyes on DB Amari Spievey, preseason First Team All-Big 10. Arguably the best defensive back in the conference, Spievey is poised for a monster season in 2009.

OL=4.5; DB=2, WR=0.5. Total Score=7

3. Pittsburgh: Two words: Larry Fitzgerald. Did anyone think Fitz would be this good coming out of Pitt as a sophomore? Dude is LARGE. Ok so you’ve Fitzgerald along with Antonio Bryant (Buccaneers). Not terribly impressive for offense then you remember Coach went there. Let’s take a look at the other positions. Jeff Otah (Panthers), Charles Spencer (Texans), Jeff Christy (Cardinals), Ruben Brown (Bills and Bearsssss).

Past Draft Picks: You also have quite a few (former) head coaches coming out of the Steel City; Coach (1961, Bears), Schottenheimer (1965, Bills), and everyone’s favorite mustachioed guy Dave Wannstedt (1974, Packers). Outside of the head coaches pool, other highlights include Mark May (1981, Redskins), Jim Sweeney (1984, Jets) and Ron Sams (1983, Packers).

2009: This year’s Panthers look to have a couple of guys the Bears should look at for 2010, starting with Dom DeCicco, the team’s interceptions leader, at strong safety. The receiving core is quite green, but the offensive line should produce some good NFL players as per usual in tackles, Joe Thomas, and Jason Pinkston, along with center, Robb Houser.
OL=3, DB=1, WR=4. Total Score=8

2. Miami (FL): Ed Reed is really reason enough to put Miami here, but for the purposes of this post let’s get more into it. Looking deeper we’ve got Kenny Phillips (Giants), Sean Taylor (R.I.P. Redskins) and Brandon Merriweather (Pats). That’s just the safeties from the past 7 years. If we want to expand to the entire secondary you’ve got Antrel Rolle (Cardinals), Kelly Jennings (Seahawks), Mike Rumph (49ers) and Philip Buchanon (Raiders). Now let’s take into account the other side of the ball, most notably the wide receivers; Andre Johnson (Texans), Roscoe Parrish (Bills), Santana Moss (Redskins), Reggie Wayne (Colts), and Brett Perriman (best known for his work with Detroit). And there was that guy in 1988, oh yeah, Michael frickin’ Irvin.

Past Draft Picks: Highlights from past years include Brian Blades (1988, Seahawks), Leon Searcy (1992, Steelers), Bubba McDowell (1989, Oilers), Bennie Blades (1988, Lions), Eddie Brown (1985, Bengals) and Mark Cooper (1983, Broncos).

2009: Most of this version of the Hurricanes is extremely young. Mostly sophomores and juniors, they are looking to build on their ‘success’ of the 2008 season. That said WR Travis Benjamin had a decent freshman season, and has a huge ceiling. OT Jason Fox will anchor a pretty experienced offensive line and is the most pro-ready prospect on the team. Other players to check out would be SS JoJo Nicolas and WR Thearon Collier.

OL=2, DB=5, WR=4. Total Score =11

1.Texas: As much as I didn’t want to put UT at the top (a-HEM, Cedric Benson), it’s tough to argue with the talent they’ve been able to put into the league (just not their running backs). Going back to the 2002 draft look at the talent that Texas has put into the NFL: Quentin Jammer (Chargers), our own Nate Vasher, Michael Huff (Raiders), Cedric Griffin (Vikings), Aaron Ross (Giants), Michael Griffin (Titans); quite the impressive list of current secondary players. Looking at the other positions you’ve got Limas Sweed (Steelers), Roy Williams (Cowboys), Justin Blalock (Falcons), Mike Williams (Bills), Leonard Davis (Cardinals), Blake Brockermeyer (Panthers). All of these players were drafted in 1995 or sooner.

Past Draft Picks: We find Eric Metcalf (1989, Browns), Mossy Cade (1984, Chargers), Stanley Richard (1991, Chargers), Bryant Westbrook (1997, Lions), Derrick Dockery (2003, Redskins), Johnnie Johnson (1980, Rams), Bob McKay (1970, Browns) and Tom Landry(!)(1947, Giants).

2009: Good Lord, Texas is straight up STACKED going into this season. Their secondary, which ranked seventh in pass defense in the Big 12 last year, will be much improved this season. Earl Thomas and Blake Gideon will be forces at the last line of defense. Even though he’s white could Jordan Shipley be the next Welkahhhhhhhhh? It would be cool to see the Bears take a shot at this kid. Cutler would throw to him much more since the Bears have a running game to speak of and Texas does not (outside of their QB). Another receiver to keep and eye on is Brandon Collins, who really came in towards the end of the season. He broke out with 7 catches for 103 yards and a TD in a game against hated rival Texas A&M. Anyone else remember when the last 100 game by a Bears receiver was??

OL=4, DB=5, WR=3. Total Score=12

So there it is. This bulletproof report says it would be smart for the Bears to start sending the brass to Austin to bribe the coaching staff scout potential replacements for our aging offensive line and our non existent receiving game and secondary.

Just stay the fuck away from the running backs.

Presumably, Urlacher outbid fellow alum Neil Patrick Harris, who could only come up with $500, for naming rights.

Garza speaks about the kids, of whom he was once one: “All they have to do is believe in themselves, dream big and they can accomplish anything.”

But, don’t forget your fucking vitamins, kids. Or Uncle Roberto will kill you.

Dear Mr. 91,

This city would absolutely go bonkers if were you to return to your form pre-second half of the 2006 season. It would really make everything easier on all of us Bears fanatics. We aren’t asking for much here, just a season of seeing 91 in navy and orange in the offensive backfield. Heck, you can even keep the sacks to a minimum. In fact please do, we don’t seem to perform well when you’re making the opposing gunslingers eat grass.

I mean, you hear all the bitching and moaning about how Urlacher’s past his prime. How he can’t get off a block, how he’s a step slower, how he’s fathered another hooker’s kid, etc. If you could find it within yourself to start some disruption in the backfield on a consistent basis, Urlacher might start talking to people again!

At the very least you would ease the pressure on our ’secondary’ who will shit themselves at the sight of a semi-competent QB, which is pretty much everyone, outside of whoever gets the ‘privilege’ of leading the offense in Oakland. (shudders)

So come on Tommie, for Urlacher (and his bastard kids), for our secondary and for us, the fans, let’s get back to how it was in the good old days of 2005. I know your boy Tank is packing heat in football wasteland Cincinnati, but you’ve got Marcus, Dusty, Israel and a bunch of other guys to help you out.

Do it. Or I’ll take away all your Psalm 91 breathe right strips.

The Bears are currently ‘counting on Corey Graham’, who played all of two games at safety in college, and the Great White Hope, Craig Steltz. SON OF A BITCH. Then we’ve got Josh ‘please gain 15 yards before I touch you’ Bullocks at strong safety. Can you imagine what Kurt Warner; Donovan McNabb et al will do against our defense??

Kurt Warner: Ok ‘Quan line up in the slot and run a seam route for the 25th time. Guaranteed six.
Anquan Boldin: Sweet. Fitz, first person to 350 yards goes to the strip club for free.
Larry Fitzgerald: Word.

(/puts head in sand)

 For the past three years around March the coverage starts. Slow at first, but my mid –April its all Favre all the christing time. While, it’s painful for the average football fan to go through day after day of Brett Favre saturated SportsCenters, it’s a hundred times worse for Bears fans.

/shrugs off angry comments from Vikings fans

This is Brett Favre!!!!! Formerly of the loathsome Green Bay Fudge Packers (tee hee). As a rabid Bears fan I/we HATE hearing what Brett is doing on an hourly basis. I don’t want to, I never wanted to. This is a man that has bent my team over the kitchen counter and went to town way too many times to count. Why the FUCK would I want to hear about his offseason tomfoolery, or his third ‘retirement’ or his sixth ‘comeback’. Since I’ve been a fan of the Bears and actually knew what was happening in a football game, Brett Favre has pissed on my dreams and taken my innocence. The less I hear about this dickhole the better.

I can almost look past his phony ‘retirements’ and glorious ‘comebacks’. (Even though they are deplorable and he should be impaled on 1,000 golden metal spikes) It’s more so the media outlets and the constant saturation of their programs with Brett Favre bs. Honestly what percentage of America wants to know that Brett Favre is talking to his agent, or throwing passing drills to high schoolers. Who, outside of Green Bay and Peter King (who’s head is so far up Favre’s ass he can see what was for breakfast) wants this much coverage? I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that 95% of football fans want to see Favre gone. No one wants him back and no one wants to fucking hear about it. Every time I see Favre coverage on ESPN while getting huge at the gym I immediately want to throatfuck the anchor talking. It’s that maddening.

It’s as if, ESPN, Peter King and every other major sports writer or outlet act as his personal Twitter feed.
@Americanpublic: Favre takes shit, uses single ply to wipe
@Americanpublic: Favre throws passes to Mississippi youth, wears Wranglers

If he’s coming back, here’s what I want; a thirty second spot telling me so. Here’s what should be said, the season ended, shit happened, and now he’s back/done for good (please). THAT’S FUCKING IT! Get it over with so I can see how my White Sox lost to Oakland 7-1. Here’s what I don’t want; a thirty second spot and then a five minute background story and timeline telling me shit that I already know dating back to 2006. How do I know this? BECAUSE YOU FUCKING DID IT LAST YEAR TOO!

Just end it already so we in Chicago can be spared a little more misery. Or I’ll kill Tom Brady’s kid.